Fellowship | Intimacy in Marriage - 1 Corinthians 7:1-5 | February 25
INTRO
Hey family! How are we all doing?
As you may remember, we are a few months into a series on the book of 1 Corinthians and a few weeks into the topic of fellowship. Though we have defined fellowship to some degree, it has occurred to me that perhaps there is more to be said on the subject, about what exactly it is and why it’s so important to the Christian life.
Fellowship is an important concept for us to understand because we are designed for intimacy. Now that might send shivers up your spine as if you were still a child on the playground fearing the worst consequences of an imminent cutie infection and wondering if you’ve still got your shots up to date. Whatever circles and dots may do to protect you from personal contact–I don’t know.
But, we are designed for intimacy. Even as I say that I am generally concerned that one of you is going to walk up and touch me at this very moment. It’s true. That wasn’t an invitation.
We were designed for intimacy in a relationship with Jesus. It was established in the Garden as God created us in His image to be like Him as He Himself exists in relationship–Father, Son, and Spirit. It’s that return to the Garden which every human longs for whether they know it or not, to walk with their creator in the cool of the day. It’s reflected in the Psalms. We hear in Psalm 27:7-9 a deep longing for spiritual intimacy with the Creator, “Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! 8 You have said, “Seek my face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, Lord, do I seek.” 9 Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help…”
It’s demonstrated in Jesus’ life and teaching. And it’s expressed in God’s longing for us as He makes it clear, “I will be found by you!” (Jeremiah 29:12-14); “ Draw near to Me and I will draw near to you!” (James 4:8).
We were designed for intimacy with God.
He designed us for intimacy with other people. Ugh, I know! Right?
We were designed for intimacy in the context of family. In the Garden, once again, God pronounced that it’s not good for man to be alone. We were designed for fellowship, for community, for family. And there is no place this is more true than in the family of God. Psalms 68 says, “His name is the Lord—rejoice in his presence! 5 Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—this is God, whose dwelling is holy. 6 God places the lonely in families;” (Psalm 68:6).
This is the family God has chosen to set us in. And I am so glad for His decision. Unfortunately for you, much like biologically, you don’t get to pick your family. So, you’re stuck with me at this point. God has set us lonely souls in this family–His family! Psalm 133 says, “How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony! God designed us for fellowship, for family, and God designed families to be a source of love, support, and strength for us. We were designed for intimacy within a family.
And yes, we were designed for intimacy in marriage. If you recall, today we’re going to be talking primarily about marriage, and even more specifically about sex within the proper context of marriage. So parents you can, once again, use your own personal discretion as to whether your children should remain in here with us or find their way to the next room. Also, singles, I want to say first that next Sunday we’re going to be talking mostly about the gift of singleness. But I would also exhort you that there will be plenty for you today as well. We do not read the Bible as if only certain portions apply to us. So even if you are single you are designed for intimate fellowship with this family God has knitted you into. And apart from sex, intimacy within marriage is also very dependent upon our intimacy with our family around us outside of marriage. Because your husband, ladies, cannot satisfy every desire. He can’t be Jesus and He can’t replace the listening ear of a trusted friend. The same is true for us men. We need each other. Healthy relationships outside of marriage helps nurture and strengthen a healthy marriage.
Sex is not the deepest fulfillment of our need for intimacy. Christ has that covered. We can live a full, complete, and satisfying life without sex. And next week we’ll hear from a single guy who never had sex how marriage is not the goal of life. So more to come on that.
“Whether a healthy marriage, a true friend, or a long-standing small group, such intimacy fosters physical and emotional health, provides amazing strength and resilience for tough times, and enlivens the deepest parts of you to grow and thrive.” (Carol Peters-Tanksley)
We’re talking about much more than physical intimacy, although that’s included. We’re talking about the need to be close, to be understood, to be number one to someone, to communicate heart-to-heart, to share with, to need and be needed, to be with someone with no walls between. Fully known and fully loved.
You can’t be fully loved by others if you are not fully known. Fully known and fully loved. So, with all that in mind, let’s turn our attention to the first several verses of 1 Corinthians chapter 7.
“Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to abstain from sexual relations. 2 But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. 4 The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
BACKGROUND
Now, an important question, why are we talking about this again? I’m so uncomfortable.
Fair. That’s a valid point. And also, that’s part of the problem. This has become such a taboo conversation within the Church that it has become uncomfortable to speak openly about. I’m uncomfortable right now. My parents are in the room for goodness sake. Through our passivity, we’ve allowed our culture to direct and determine the narratives surrounding sex and sexual identity. And I think you’ll find those narratives haven’t changed very much in the last several thousand years.
In Corinth sex was treated as a very casual practice. It didn’t have much meaning, or depth, or carry any amount of weight. Sex was everywhere. Do what you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want. It is compared to an appetite similar to food. It’s just an appetite, a desire that we have and that we need to satisfy in whatever way we find satisfying. Do what seems good in your own eyes. At the same time sex had a sacredness to it. It was a form of worship. And they held these two tensions together of sex as casual and sex as sacred.
We see this exact same dynamic at play in the world around us. The message we hear is to satisfy your sexual desire in whatever way seems most appropriate to you. It doesn’t matter. Don’t limit your freedom. Keep it casual. It’s just sex. At the same time, almost in contradiction with the casual attitude of it doesn’t matter, what really matters is that sex be allowed with no limits. At the same time, it doesn’t matter, and yet try to stop me and all of the sudden it matters a great deal. Sex has become revered in our culture as the pinnacle of human existence while at the same time being treated as just an appetite to be fed.
I just want to reiterate, we were designed for intimacy in a relationship with Jesus. Sex is not the deepest fulfillment of that intimacy. We are more than a sexual orientation or a sexual desire. It’s not the height of who we are. In fact it’s not even necessary to life. The idea that our deepest identity is wrapped up in our sexual orientation and our sexual expressions is a bad trade for the true depth and richness of who you are. Our culture creates such a lack of value in a person when it boils them down to who you’re sleeping with and how often. You are so much more!
The Corithian church had become weary from the fight so much so that married individuals had written to Paul asking if it was appropriate to just throw in the towel and live celebite lives. To which his response is absolutely–if you’re already single. That is preferred. But–if you’re married that is a huge mistake. Huge mistake! And what follows are five verses which are about marriage and also–about how married people need to be having sex. Emphasis on need. Paul writes of it as a requirement. It’s almost as if Paul is leading a marriage retreat and his only advice to the attentive couples is “go have sex right now”. So let’s talk about why that is and if you are married what you need to be doing about it.
THE FUNCTION OF SEXUAL INTIMACY
Lest you think I’m making this up, or creating an opportunity to talk about sex out of thin air (which I definitely don’t want to do), I want you to turn your attention to verse two, “each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband.” This may seem innocent enough–it’s not. This is more akin to a euphemism to ease the readers into the subject that Paul is discussing which is pretty much exclusively married people having sex. This particular verb that we translate as “have” is used a few times throughout the Bible and it pretty much always means, “have sexual relations”.
Verse 3 only makes it worse depending on the translation you’re reading because the ESV and others say, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.” Conjugal rights–ugh! That just makes it sound gross. But what these introductory verses are doing is to confirm the function of sexual intimacy and why marriage is the only place for it.
We talked a little bit about this last week, but what Paul is doing is bringing us back to the Garden once again. Genesis chapter 2, which Paul quotes in the last chapter we looked at, “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Sexual intimacy is a reminder of the covenant vows you spoke at your wedding. It is a reminder that marriage is exclusive, permanent, and complete. That’s what marriage is or what it should be. It is complete. It is exclusive. And it is permanent. Sex is supposed to work in an environment where I give myself completely, exclusively, and permanently to my spouse. It is the fulfilling of our wedding vows and is designed to stick us to our spouse and keep sticking us to our spouse.
God wants to use sex as a reminder of the covenant vows you said to one another to be naked and unashamed. All of me only to you for the rest of my life. All of me only to you for the rest of my life. You are going to run into issues within your marriage if you hold pieces of yourself back. We are designed for intimacy, for fellowship, to be fully known. There is no place that is more true than in your marriage. All of me only to you for the rest of my life. That is the function of sex in marriage.
THE DESIGN FOR SEXUAL INTIMACY
Now, we should discuss a bit about how that is to practically work in your marriage. We’re not going to get graphic. Don’t worry. What we’re talking about is the design for sexual intimacy and how sex within marriage as a giving of yourself should be regular, consistent, and mutually beneficial as we see Paul establish in verse 4, “The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.”
This is very similar to language Paul uses with regard to marriage throughout his letters. In Ephesians 5 he says, “21 Submit yourselves to one another because of your reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands as to the Lord… 25 Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it.”
I know these verses leave a bad taste in the mouth of many. But I promise you that Paul has only positive things to say about marriage so you either have to trust that the Bible is right and that despite how people have abused these passages and despite how you have read them for maybe the entirety of your life… you either have to trust that God is good and these are good words for your good and the good of your marriage–or you believe that you’re right and the Bible is wrong. Then we’ll have to have a different conversation.
Two things are worth noting. The first is that Paul begins this passage with a general call for all believers to develop an attitude of submission, a willingness to be responsive and to yield to one another out of love. So this is a laying aside of self desires, preferences, and priorities to serve others. There is a general call for all believers to have this attitude as well as a specific more intimate call within the context of marriage. And the second thing is that this specific call is directly paralleled to the relationship of Christ within the Godhead–God in relationship with Himself, and Christ in relationship with the Church. So there is a complete absence of all the baggage that people read into this verse based solely on this truth. What it is about is serving and loving your spouse. What it is about is not seeing yourself as a solitary entity that uses those around you, including your spouse, to satisfy self desire. It’s an opportunity to love and to serve and to meet the needs of your spouse. You are not your own. You are one flesh. And so your body is not yours alone but belongs to your spouse.
Paul also writes in Romans 12, “Outdo one another in showing honor. It is a mysterious dance of love in the Christian community as we lay down our rights and our demands, and seek to outdo one another not in what we can get but in what we can give. There is a holy and humble and self-sacrificing competition to make the other maximally glad.” Jenny and I have led marriage seminars in the past where we have shared this verse. And you know how people say marriage isn’t a competition? Here’s where they are wrong. Outdo one another in serving one another, laying aside yourself to fill them full. One up each other in showing love and honor.
Paul is making the claim that in marriage we are seeking mainly to please the other. A wife wants to please her husband, and so she is prone to give up what she desires. A husband wants to please his wife, and so is prone not to demand what she finds unpleasant to give. And vice versa. It’s not about what you can get, when you can get it, and how often you can get it. It’s about serving and satisfying and loving and giving yourself away. Which absolutely necessitates a conversation (conversations) about sex. You need to talk to your spouse about how often you would ideally like to have sex. You just do. And you need to schedule intimacy into your calendar if you have trouble making time for it organically. It has to be a priority for you for the sake of your spouse and your marriage.
Because, when you are married, you have a responsibility to fulfill the desires of your spouse sexually. Husbands, your wife has sexual desire and needs just like you. Don’t use sex as an opportunity for self pleasure. Satisfy each other in this regard. No one else can do that for your spouse and your spouse isn’t doing it for anyone else. That’s the marriage covenant. It’s about intimacy, trust, and vulnerability. You are entrusting your body to your spouse to serve, to love, to care for. Sex, in a marriage covenant the Bible says, should be regular, consistent, and mutually beneficial. We do not demand and we do not withhold. We submit and entrust.
THE THREATS TO SEXUAL INTIMACY
We submit and entrust because Satan will come after you and your spouse if you deprive one another of sex. Let each man have his wife and each woman have her husband. Your body is not your own but you choose to give it wholly to your spouse “so that,” Paul writes, “ so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
There is perhaps no more successful arrow in the spiritual quiver of our enemies than sexual expression. The Bible tells us that “The thief [the enemy] comes only to steal and kill and destroy…” (John 10:10). And you better believe he’s coming after your marriage. Our marriages are to be pictures of Christ and the Church. You better believe the enemy wants to distort and disrupt that picture. So if you are currently experiencing a lack of sexual intimacy within your marriage, there could be a number of reasons but the prescription is pretty much always the same. You need to talk with your spouse. If it’s been months or years since you have been together intimately with your spouse it is more than likely a symptom of a deeper trust problem that you can’t be naked and unashamed with one another. You need to talk with your spouse, then you may need to bring it before your family group and make a solid plan to move forward.
It could be that you have a lot of baggage from previous sexual experiences. Sexual sin undealt with and unconfessed has a real effect on our current intimacy. You need to talk with your spouse. You need to give yourself completely, exclusively, and permanently to your spouse. You need to live fully known so that you can be fully loved. Have a conversation.
There may be trust issues from past hurt in your marriage or from sin that is unconfessed and unconfronted. And your spouse probably doesn’t know that you have trust issues unless you share with them. They’re probably thinking the worst of themselves, that you don’t find them attractive or that it’s their fault. It could just be a lack of intentionality because of season of life with young kids or what not. It could be a lack of confidence in your ability or your own body image. Anything that leads to your inability to be naked and unashamed together. You are repainting Eden with your sex life, isn’t that weird to think about. You need to talk about sex with your spouse. Talk about intimacy. Talk about what you’re feeling. Talk about your hangups. Figure it out together and plan a way forward.
Of course, there could be a biological or physical issue that makes sex less appealing or not a pleasurable experience. We have friends who struggle with some of these issues. I’m not a doctor, but you probably need to see one. And your spouse needs to know what’s going on. Don’t hide physical issues from each other. This is that important of an issue that Paul has spent so long writing about it to the Corithians. You have to figure out together what sexual intimacy looks like for you because not having sex is not an option according to Paul. The only exception he gives is for short periods of time that you both agree on to devote yourselves to prayer. If you’re not open and honest and work together a physical issue can lead to a relational issue.
OUTRO
It should be noted that as you are having these conversations, don’t assume it’s your spouse’s fault. Come in humility confessing your sins and not naming theirs. Don’t believe it is your spouse who is the problem. That’s not the spirit of your body not being your own. Always start with you allowing your spouse to encourage and lift you up–to restore you in trust. So also, husbands and wives, don't respond with, “yep, you’re the problem”. Outdo one another in humility, love, and service. Confess and encourage. Serve and entrust.
We do not live in a culture that provides the kind of encouragement and support for life-long marriage commitment. In fact, the forces around us are constantly suggesting that we are fools to stay in a troubled relationship. You do you, is the message from our culture. Do what feels right. If he’s not satisfying your needs, find someone who will girlfriend! “The stronger our desire for some satisfaction, the more vulnerable we are to being deceived about what is right and wrong in the way we try to satisfy that desire.”
A covenant marriage where you are giving of yourself, all of me only to you for the rest of my life, is the only place that sexual expression is properly satisfied.
So, I think my application is, if you’re married, to go have sex. I guess that’s what Paul is really trying to say. At the very least start the conversation and plan and prioritize intimacy in your marriage.
Resources (*the views expressed within the following content are solely the author's and may not necessarily reflect the opinions and beliefs of Mountainside Church):
https://midtowndowntown.com/sermons/acting-out-your-wedding-vows
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/sexual-intimacy-and-the-rights-over-a-spouses-body-in-marriage
https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/satan-uses-sexual-desire
https://www.drcarolministries.com/god-created-us-for-intimacy/