Fellowship | Singleness - 1 Corinthians 7:6-16, 25-40 | March 3
INTRO
Hey family!
It’s so good to be with you again. Did you enjoy the last few weeks? Was there something there for you? I know we’ve been talking a lot about sex and marriage, and so if you’re single it might seem like there’s been nothing for you, or as if the last several weeks have been a huge discouragement. I hope that’s not the case. As we read the Scriptures, God is always speaking if we have the ears to hear. We don’t read the Bible and leave disappointed if it seems like it’s talking about someone else. No, we read expecting God to speak. It is His living word–personified in Jesus. He is painting a picture of Himself, teaching us who He is, giving an image to the invisible (Colossians 1:15–29). And as we learn about God we discover quite a lot about ourselves. And so I desperately hope you were found hearing because I know one thing for sure–God is speaking!
And He’s going to speak to us today as we continue in 1 Corinthians chapter 7. Only this time He’s going to address singleness. So us married folk, it’s our time to listen for what God has for us as well. Because, even though we’ve spent so many weeks on sex and marriage (it feels like forever doesn’t it) the important context for us to be grounded in is the fact that sexual expression is not required to live a joy-filled, completely satisfying, and fulfilling life. Sex is not a necessity to life. Therefore marriage is also not a necessity for life.
Don’t get me wrong, marriage is not something to be avoided and “sexual pleasure itself is not an evil, but rather a God-given good when pursued in the context of marriage. Paul underscores this by arguing that sex is a joyful and right obligation for married couples… So, sex, not celibacy, in marriage is a holy thing.”
“But lest the pendulum swing towards the extreme of marriage as the only fulfilling station for the Christian, Paul argues here in chapter 7 that there is also great joy and purpose to be found in singleness, with celibacy.”
Let’s just go ahead and read verses six to sixteen…
SCRIPTURE
“6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. 7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
10 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.
12 To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16 For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?”
BACKGROUND
Remember, Paul is a single man. By all historical accounts he was never married and never had sex. It should also be noted, and perhaps relevant, that we serve a God who made Himself human, in part to live and show us how to live–Jesus who also was never married and never had sex.
So it may be easy for me to stand here and say singleness is a good thing even though it’s not a path that I myself have chosen. In fact, maybe it’s your opinion that too many married people have too much to say about singleness. But, Paul is a single man speaking from His experience. Also, just as we listened to this single, celibate man instruct us about marriage, maybe there is something to be learned about singleness from those who are married.
“To be sure, not every married person knows your particular pain and circumstances, but some do. And they may have a perspective on singleness, dating, and marriage that none of your single friends have.”
But for now let’s listen to Paul speak to us as the Spirit of God inspired him to instruct and learn from his wisdom and experience. The experience of a man who’s life was full of intimacy and deep meaningful relationships even though he was never married. And where I ultimately want us to end up is that singleness is a good gift. Singleness is a good gift. If you can say that and begin to believe it then the mission is accomplished for today. Singleness is a good gift.
But first I think there are a few disclaimers. Or maybe one disclaimer and one presupposition. First the disclaimer even though technically it comes last in these verses.
DISCLAIMER: DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION
As we begin to talk about singleness there could be some of you who are married and have a desire to be “free”. That was an issue in the Corinthian church. There were some who for the sake of religious devotion were leaving their spouses to pursue God in singleness. And while singleness is a good gift, those who are married must stay married. Divorce is not an option. Paul writes later in the chapter, “27 Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free…”
I’m reminded of a meme or something of that sort where someone is about to fall, get hurt, or do something truly embarrassing and the video pauses to say, “It was at that moment he realized that he messed up.” Although it doesn't say messed up, if you know what I mean. This is not one of those moments. Marriage is not a wrong to be corrected. God’s plan is for marriages to be permanent; all of me, only to you, for the rest of our lives. We just read don’t divorce her. And again Paul says don’t divorce him. Singleness at the expense of marriage is out of the question.
Now, some of you have been divorced, and you know what, that’s where you are now and there is grace here. I’m sure this is not where you imagined you would be at the beginning. When you first were married you were hoping for it to continue well also. You weren’t thinking at the beginning man have I got to fix this situation. And maybe there will come a day when we speak more directly to divorce but that’s not the purpose of our time this morning other than to say.
Marriage is not a wrong to be corrected. What marriage is… and here’s the presupposition.
PRESUPPOSITION: MARRIAGE IS THE CONCESSION NOT SINGLENESS
Marriage is the concession–not singleness. Does that make sense? Let me explain. We go through life being told and therefore believing that marriage is the pinnacle–the goal of human romantic relationship. You see, we have a romance idol in this country, but more on that later I’m sure. Find your soulmate. We believe, by default, that singleness is less desirable, that singleness is the concession. But Paul tells us it’s the other way around.
Now, marriage is an equally good gift which accommodates right human passion. God gave sexual intimacy as a good gift. In the garden He created woman, why? Because it’s not good for man to be alone. Our versions say God gave Eve to be a helper, but the actual word is so much more powerful. I love this. Eve was given as a “delivering ally”. A term only used for God other times in Scripture. God said be fruitful and multiply, but man couldn’t do that by himself. He needed a delivering ally to step into God’s blessing.
So, yes! Marriage is good in so many ways, but it is also a concession to satisfy burning passions as Paul writes in verse 9. Also note, Paul is not writing commands from God here but personal instructions about the unique purpose of singleness that is such a precious gift. So, let’s dive into what it means for singleness to be a good gift.
SINGLENESS IS GOOD
First, singleness is good. Paul writes in verse 8, “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single.” It is good to remain single. This is one of those times in Scripture where we bring too much of our cultural baggage.
Unfortunately, culture (even church culture), argues that marriage and sexual fulfillment are essential for human happiness. I mentioned before that we have a romance idol in our country.
“An idol is something we put in the place of God or prioritize over God’s priorities, often from a false promise to provide us with something only God can provide in a way different than He has ordered. We idolize when we misuse or overuse something good into being something ultimate.”
You might hear it described as taking good things and making them God things. Or perhaps even loving the gift more than the Giver. I kind of got to this point with Canaan a few months back that caused me to reflect on how God’s heart must break constantly. After a huge struggle, of all things cleaning his room and under threat of throwing his things away, I sent him to timeout in the living room while I set out to clean his room for him. And of course he’s screaming from the living room, “Don’t throw my stuff away!” Finally, I released him from timeout to a clean room. Which it took him a while to realize his stuff was still there. But after calming down in the ensuing emotions I just got to a point where I begged him to love us more than his stuff. I can just picture God in his patience and great love–longsuffering–beckoning for us to love him more than what he created.
“The idol of romance promises us love, belonging, family, pleasure, and an escape from loneliness. Disney movies and Taylor Swift songs teach our children that magically coupled love is the best thing the world has to offer.” We grow up with the expectation of a soulmate. There’s a perfect someone out there for you. Do you know the kind of pressure that puts on young men and women believing there is one person out there for them and if they blow it they’ll never be happy?
“We too easily believe the lie that life will never be as good as it could have been.” If only we found that certain special someone, life would be better. And if your happiness or such things rest on the finite limitations of another human being I would be really worried as well. But praise God it does not.
Here’s a controversial opinion, but it seems to align with what Paul is teaching here. Marriage doesn’t make life more full. Romantic relationships don’t make life better. They just make life different. Satisfaction and fulfillment can be found in both romance and singleness. Goodness is there no matter what because it depends on the one Who alone is good and not your relationship status on social media. Just mark yourself down as it’s complicated and move on.
“You don’t have to get married to be happy, but to be truly happy in marriage — and in life—marriage cannot be the ultimate source of your significance or happiness.” And that’s the achilles heel of the romance idol. You’ll be stuck searching for contentment in relationships that are ill-equipped to satisfy that longing. Because I hate to break it to you all, single or married, your spouse will not be able to satisfy that deep longing in your soul. Your spouse is good but they are definitely not God. And so if you have a romance idol, even in marriage, you’ll be endlessly disappointed in a relationship that’s not doing it for you. Because it can’t. Marriage is not designed to replace God. And that’s why not only is singleness good, but it is also a gift.
SINGLENESS IS A GIFT
If we skip down through chapter seven a bit. We’re not going to be able to dive in deep to all of these verses before we’ll need to move on to the next chapter. But starting in verse 32 Paul writes,
“32 I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. 33 But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. 34 His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.”
This is perhaps the key to the whole discussion–singleness is unto the Lord. That’s ultimately why it is such a good gift. This is a single man recognizing the troubles of the people around him. So, he’s not bringing a command because both are good. He’s observing. The married people around him, who provide to him such fulfilling fellowship, are themselves restricted in their time and ability. We who are married have obligations to our spouses. Ultimately, much of our time is spoken for. Those who are single have the gift of time.
Those who are single have the gift of single-mindedness. Paul tells us that those who are married have divided interests. But in singleness you are able to pursue the Lord more completely–more fully. Remember that marriage is the giving of yourself solely, completely, and permanently to your spouse. That is the same call of those who remain single. You are able to give yourself solely, completely, and eternally to God. The more you are able to do this in your singleness, the better your marriage will be should you eventually marry. Remember singleness may be only for a season or may be for a lifetime. Certainly everyone experiences singleness. The question that affects our fellowship with others is how we use our singleness whether it be for a little or a lot of time.
It is your affection and devotion for Christ that will fuel the health of your relationships. “The happier you are with God before you’re married, the happier you will be with someone else if and when you’re married.” I’m not sure where I took this from but listen, “the only people who will make you truly happy in marriage will love Jesus more than you. And the only people whom you will make truly happy in marriage are people you love less than you love Jesus.”
Pursue Jesus in your singleness. “Don’t recklessly chase marriage for things you will only fully find in God. Fullness of joy is not found at that altar, and pleasures forevermore are not lying in the marriage bed. Scripture sings about a higher love and greater joy. I’ve ended up quoting this Psalm quite a bit for some reason. Psalm 16 verse 11, “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore”.
If we knew just how happy Jesus would make us, we would stop looking so desperately for that happiness in romantic relationships. That’s a lesson we can all learn.
You remember that story in the Gospels where Jesus is teaching and His mother and brothers are trying to get to him. Jesus asked, “Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?” Then he pointed to his disciples and said, “Look, these are my mother and brothers. Anyone who does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother!” (Matthew 12:48-50). And in another place He adds to this teaching. “37 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:37). Whoever loves a future husband or a future wife more than Me is not worthy of Me.
Love Jesus in your singleness. That’s a lesson that for many of us it is too late to learn. Now we have to play catch up among the pull of divided interests. Do not despise your singleness. Singleness is a good gift.
OUTRO
But wait a second, I thought God said it wasn’t good for man to be alone. That is true, He did say that. But your interpretation implies loneliness is relegated to the world of the single. Paul lived a life full of meaningful, life-giving relationships. He wasn’t alone. Yes God was with Him, as He is with us all. But he also wasn’t lonely because he had such rich, non-romantic relationships. And I hate to break the news and disenchant your fairy tale world, but there are plenty of people who are married and still lonely. Loneliness is not the exclusive claim of the single.
“Singleness, even for those who long to be married and aren’t, is not a trial to be endured; it is a positive good. It is a gift to be cherished and maximized. We ought not waste our singleness by viewing it as a trial to be endured.
Singleness is not the cause of your loneliness and marriage isn’t the cure. Instead, singleness is a good gift.
James tells us that “17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17)”
Singleness is not just a good gift. It is a good gift from God for your good. I hope this message will take root in your heart. I just want to give two quick exhortations–two quick applications for where you might be this morning.
If you’re experiencing loneliness in your marriage you don’t need out. You need the Biblical counsel and fellowship of this loving family to help you reconcile and renew your wedding vows. Your family group leader is a great place to start for that.
If you are single. Do not despise your singleness. Ask God to help change your perspective. And ultimately if you ever were to get married (not that it is a necessity) you will have a much better understanding of fulfillment and expectation in marriage. Cherish the good gift of singleness God has for you now whether or not now is forever or just a season.
Resources (*the views expressed within the following content are solely the author's and may not necessarily reflect the opinions and beliefs of Mountainside Church):
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/is-my-singleness-a-gift
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/you-dont-have-to-get-married-to-be-happy